On Newer Things....

I realize that I fail to keep this thing updated. Initially, I wanted to keep this updated to keep tabs of my thoughts and events in my life. I repeatedly, however, fail at this task. The reason for this I believe, is becasue I know nobody reads this. But that kinda makes me feel better knowing that few people (if any) will know my thoughts. I think another reason is that I have a hard time opening up. I don't think I have a hard time making friends. I try to be social. I hang out with people. I don't, however, have people that I regularly confide in. It's too hard. At least, it seems that way to me. How do you invest in people that are only in your life for a "season." How do you not get "too attached." I think that's what I struggle with. I've lived my life from high school on on my own. I've had one signifcant relationship (girlfriend) since high school and that was seven years ago. I keep moving around that it's hard to stay in touch with the same people. From 2 years at HPU, to 3 1/2 years away to 2 years back at HPU and now a semester at A&M.
Now I realize that I will not be going back to the Bush School for the Spring semester. It's been a tough semester for me. Realizing that this is not what I wanted to continue pursuing has been tough. My biggest fears are 1) being a burden to other and 2) letting people down. I can't help but feel that I have recently accomplished one, if not both, of those.
So now I leave the Bush School knowing that I will be going to Iraq again next year. Just when I started building friendships, etc. I leave. I want to keep up the relatinships. Build on them. But I said that the last time I went to Iraq. That didn't work out to well. My friends were to busy with school and work and their own lives to keep up the long distance correspondence. It wasn't all their fault. I mean, I did my share to keep it that way. Afterall, it doesn't make friends and family sleep better at night telling them how many times you faced death that day. And when I got back, I wanted to get back to my friendships. But so much had happened on their end. Single friends were now married. Married friends were now parents. Other friends were now gone and move elsewhere. Plus, I couldn't help but feel that some were unsure how to act towards me because they feared they couldn't relate to what I had been through.
So what do I do now knowing what I will be going through the next year? Feelings of loneliness are bound to surface. My friends in Grad school will have graduated by the time I return from overseas. Who knows what else will have changed? I have God. That is for certain. I know that should be enough. Somehow, it doesn't seem that way.
God brought me through everything the first time, right? But I know how that felt. It wasn't that great. So I guess that leaves me trying to figure what my next step is. Until next time....

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